My Athletic Balls Go Traveling

Sometimes I just have to suck it up. Like when an old friend who puts me up for the night asks if she should have dinner waiting and I enthusiastically affirm, "Yes!" Naturally, hoping it will be lobster with drawn butter. However when showing up after a long, long day in the car with a four year old and the averted disaster of coasting into a gas station on fumes and prayer after two hours of driving through the frozen tundra looking for civilization and she asks, "So how do you like your wings?" Nothing like shriveled heat lamp chicken wings and the saddest Pizza Hut slice I ever saw to make me wish I ate before I came...

So I spent a few days eating UNCLEAN. Unclean as in I feel like I need a week of raw organic kale shakes made with vegan protein powder, aloe juice and ice cubes made from holy water. Fortunately, I packed a cooler for the second leg of our car trip and I had my Athlete Balls. While these balls look like they need a round of antifungal treatment, these protein balls are wholesome and taste like bread dough. At least to someone who hasn't had bread dough in a very, very long time.

Into the food processor back home went:

• 2 scoops rice protein powder
• 2 scoops golden flaxmeal
• 1 scoop Vega Smoothie Infusion
• Nancy's nonfat organic yogurt (you can use coconut milk yogurt or kefir to make vegan)
  
• 2 TB natural peanut butter
• Almond extract
• Vanilla extract
• Sugar-free pancake syrup (just enough chemicals to wipe out all that purity?), agave or maple syrup
  
• 1/8 tsp pure stevia extract (highly concentrated)

Mix it up and form balls. It's rocket science. They ain't much to look at, but they're pretty on the inside.

Eaten on my lap while reading Yoga Journal while crossing Nevada.

They're greenish brown, much like the shower walls of my then-boyfriend, now-husband. After sitting overnight in a refrigerator, cooler or frickin' cold car somewhere in Utah, the protein, flaxmeal and yogurt bind to make a cultured bread dough taste. I had these wholesome balls for breakfast, as a big part of my lunch (balls and sliced veggies I brought from home) and again as a snack.

Speaking of wholesome, we made it to family friendly Las Vegas, home to various topless revues, casinos, Whole Foods and of course, my beloved Trader Joe's. I visited two of those places yesterday. Guess which two?

Shame on you! Of course it was Trader Foods! I bought and ate a bag of raw cauliflower, plus various other goodies at TJ's. Plus a few things at Whole Foods which required a consult with a mortgage broker at checkout to see if I could afford their protein powder AND organic red bell peppers. It was a close call, but I got my in-laws to co-sign so I could also buy some store brand hand lotion.

Here in glitzy Vegas, I am a Honda among Mercedes.

I scored a free pass to a swanky country club gym to take their Bootcamp. I amped up with coffee, prepared to sweat, grovel and plead for mercy. This gym has real towels, free coffee, locker rooms floors that aren't growing science experiments in the crevices and a giant pump bottle of sunscreen.

I need a Vampire setting on my camera. This white girl's skin hasn't seen self-tanner in a long while.

Dorothy, we ain't in Kansas anymore. Or Boise either for that matter.

 

I am delighted to report that this Protein Girl smugly took their country club "Bootcamp" among the cardio queens with no sweat. Almost literally. The only challenging part was jump roping intervals. Face it, jump roping is intense and beloved by boxing champions and 7-year old girls across the nation.

Girls, listen to me. YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO 200 BICYCLE CRUNCHES TO HAVE GREAT ABS.

In fact, after doing just that in bootcamp, I was reminded that a gazillion reps of crunches is a highly efficient way to hurt your low back and strain your neck via BAD FORM. Not to mention not getting deep enough into the layers of abdominal muscle. Instead, do some Forrest Yoga abdominals or a few Turbulence Training abs and you're set.

I came back to  make a shake with what I had available - a borrowed Vita-Mix 5200, my gums from home, mystery vanilla protein powder, some apple chips, stevia, ice and water. Topped with pomegranate arils (I learned that little botany term from HEAB's trip to POM) and raw cashews.

I have blender envy.

Today I'm going to see if I can handle the spin class of the rich and famous. Something tells me that I'll be fine...